The golden age of ballooning can be said to begin in 1783...
When the montgolfier brothers made their first ascent
In a fire balloon.
On the eve of that...
Oh, come on.
Momentous ascent
The brothers took one last look at their craft
As it stood on the fields of annecy.
This is a great moment for us, joseph.
It is a great moment for france.
Ah, oui.
The first ascent in a hot air balloon
By the montgolfier brothers, 1783.
I can see us now
Just after "montesquieu" and just before "mozart."
I think I'll go and wash.
Good luck.
It's quite easy, really.
I just slap a little water on my face...
No, no, no.
Good luck for tomorrow.
Oh, I see, yes.
You, too.
Yours has been the work.
Let us hope for a safe ascent.
And don't use my flannel.
You know, when you showed me the plans in paris
I could not believe that we should be
The first men who would fly.
Yes, it's wonderful.
I'm so excited, I could hardly wash.
Yes, i, too, have had some difficulty washing
These past few days.
Still, what is washing when we are on the verge
Of a great scientific breakthrough?
Jacques...
Yes, joseph?
I've not been washing very thoroughly
For many years now.
What do you mean?
You must have been washing your face.
Oh, yes, my face.
I wash my face.
But my legs, my stomach, my chest-- they're filthy.
Well... I don't wash my stomach every day.
Ah, but you wash far more than me.
You are the cleaner of the montgolfier brothers.
This is nothing, joseph.
Monsieur montgolfier
A mr. parfitt to see you, sir.
No, no, no, bartlett.
A mr. barklit to see you, sir.
No, bartlett, with a "t."
A mister...
Barr-at-elett to see you, sir.
Bartlett.
Barkit.
Bartlett.
Barlit... bartlett.
A mr. bartlett to see you, sir.
I don't want to see anyone, o'toole.
Tell him to go away.
Thank you, sir.
Well, it's getting late.
I must go and have a wash.
What will you be washing?
Oh, just my face and neck.
Perhaps my feet and possibly... but no!
Lock up the plans, joseph.
Tomorrow, they will make us the toast of france.
The first ascent by the montgolfier brothers
In a balloon
Just after "ballcock" and just before "bang."
What a position.
So on june 7, 1783
The montgolfier brothers had a really good wash.
Starting on his face and arms
Joseph michael montgolfier went on to scrub his torso
His legs and his naughty bits, before rinsing his whole body.
That june night, he and his brother between them
Washed 17 square feet of body area.
They used a kilo and a half of carbolic soap
And nearly 14 gallons of nice hot water.
It was indeed an impressive sight.
Next week on the golden age of ballooning
We examine the work of glaisher and coxwell
The english balloonists
Who ascended to a height of seven miles in 1862
Without washing.
There's also a book called the golden age of ballooning
Published by the bbc to coincide with the series.
It's in an attractive hand-tooled binding
Is priced five pounds
And failure to buy it will make you liable
To a 50 fine or three months in prison.
There's also a record of someone reading the book
Ofthe golden age of ballooning
A crochet-work bedspread
With the words "the golden age of ballooning" on it
Available from the bbc, price 18
Or five months' imprisonment
And matching toilet seat covers and courtesy mats
With illustrations of many of the balloons mentioned.
Also available is a life-size model frog
Which croaks the words "golden age of ballooning"
And an attractive bakelite case
For storing motorway construction plans in
Made in the shape of a balloon.
And now, another chance to see episode two
Of the award-winning series the golden age of ballooning.
Oh, joseph...
All you think about is balloons.
All you talk about is balloons.
Your beautiful house is
Full of bits and pieces of balloons.
Your books are all about balloons.
Every time you sing a song
It is in some way obliquely connected with balloons.
Everything you eat
Has to have the word "balloon"
Incorporated in the title.
Your dogs are all called balloono.
You tie balloons to your ankles in the evenings.
I don't do that.
Well, no, you don't do that
But you do duck down and shout, "hey, balloons!"
When there are none about.
Your whole life is becoming
Obsessively balloonic, you know.
Why do I have to hang
From this bloody gas bag all day?
Don't I mean anything to you?
Oh, ma cherie, you mean more to me
Than any heavier-than-air dirigible...
Oh, there you go again!
Don't waggle!
I've run your bath for you, joseph.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize...
It's all right.
We've done the difficult bit.
Well, don't forget
We have our special guest coming this evening.
Oh?
Don't tell me you've forgotten already.
The man who is giving us thousands of francs
For experiments.
What man?
Louis xiv.
Isn't he dead?
Evidently not.
All right, I'll be round.
Oh... and, joseph?
Yes, jacques.
You will... wash, won't you?
Yes, of course.
His royal majesty, louis xiv of france.
And mr. bartlett.
Your majesty, it is a great privilege.
Welcome to our humble abode.
It's, uh... very nice to be here.
O'toole...
Sir?
A claret for his majesty, please.
There's a mr. bartlett outside again, sir.
Not now, I can't see him.
We have the king of france here.
Yes, sir.
Your majesty, you've had a pleasant journey, I trust?
Yes, yes, oh, definitely, yes, yes.
Oh, aye... aye.
You have come from paris?
Where?
From paris-- you have traveled from paris?
Oh, yes, yes, we've come from... from paris, yes.
Oh, yes.
Yes, we've just come from... yeah, yeah, paris, yes.
Sir?
Yes, o'toole.
Which one is the claret, sir?
The claret is in the decanter.
The wooden thing?
No, no, the glass thing.
The glass decanter with the round glass stopper.
Oh, yes, behind the door.
No, no... on the sideboard.
The sideboard?
The sideboard, yes.
Look, you go into the salle a manger
The dining room, right?
And the sideboard's on your left by the wall.
Beside the master's portrait.
Ah! above the mirror, sir.
No, no, no, no, the mirror's on the other side.
It's opposite the mirror.
But that's the table, sir.
No, you don't go as far as the table...
You go into the room, right?
On your right is the door to the orangery
Straight ahead of you is the door to the library
And to your left is the sideboard.
Ah, yes, I see, sir.
And the claret is on top of the sideboard, to the left.
On the left.
Yes.
As one looks at it, sir?
Yes.
I see, sir-- thank you.
O'toole.
Yes, sir?
Will you please tell monsieur joseph
Our guest is here?
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry about that, your majesty.
Apparently, sir, there is a plan
To build a canal between the two egyptian towns...
Not now, o'toole.
Well, eh... mr. montgolfier
Let's not beat around the bush.
My dukes and I are very busy men.
What we'd like to do is see the plans
Of your proposed balloon if that's at all possible.
Certainly, your majesty.
I have them here ready prepared.
Oh, great, hen.
What we'd like to do is take these back wi' us
For the royal archives of, er...
France.
France, aye.
Well, it is indeed a great honor, your majesty
That I cannot refuse.
Right, okay, let's get 'em.
Just a moment!
Joseph!
That man is not louis xiv.
Joseph, are you out of your mind?
I've been looking it up in my bath.
Louis xiv died in 1717.
It's now 1783.
Answer me that.
Did I say louis xiv?
I'm sorry, I meant louis xv, louis xv.
He died in 1774.
All right, louis xvi.
Listen to me, smartarse.
When you're king of france, you've got better things to do
Than go around all day remembering your bloody number.
Do you want to argue about numbers?
No, no.
Well, let's get hold of these plans
For the royal archives.
We've got to get back to, er...
Paris.
Paris by tonight, so come on, get a move.
I got as far as the sideboard, sir.
Hey, stop them! stop them!
No news on the canal, I'm afraid, sir
But apparently in india
They're thinking of building a railway
Between the towns of lahore...
Will louis xiv get away
With the montgolfiers' precious plans?
Is 16 years of work
To be stolen by this suspect sovereign?
Is france really in the grip of a glaswegian monarch?
Watch next week's episode of the golden age of ballooning.
Now...
So now that the government has collapsed
And shown itself incapable
Of providing any kind of unifying force
I feel that we do need the kind of stability
And the breathing space
That a military presence would provide.
Lord interest.
Yes, I agree the army should take over
But I think it should not interfere with the program
Of street executions
Which I feel have been the shot in the arm
That the british economy so desperately needed.
Yes, the montgolfier brothers' plans did indeed turn up
Six months later, and a long way from paris
At the court of king george iii of england.
"titty was very worried.
"where could mary be?
"he looked everywhere--
"under the stones and behind the bushes.
"and mr. squirrel helped him by looking up in the trees.
And mr. badger helped him by looking under the ground..."
And so, your majesty, we the commons
Do herein crave and beseech that...
Your majesty, louis xviii is here.
Who is louis xviii?
He's the king of france, your majesty.
And this is a great moment to have, sir.
There is no louis xviii.
Psst.
...tell him it's louis xvii.
He craves your majesty's pardon.
He has had a long journey here and miscounted.
He is louis xvii.
Louis xvi is dead already?
Your majesty, I'm louis xvi.
Oh, christ.
Your majesty, I'm louis xvi
As you so rightly say
And I don't want to muck about.
I've got a wee proposition
Which could make the name of george iv
The most respected in europe.
George iii.
George iii, sorry.
Where can we talk?
Did you see that?
We shall have a state banquet at st. james's palace.
No, I don't want to hang about.
Take it or leave it, you know.
I've got to get back to, er...
Paris.
Paris by tonight, you know.
Must you leave us, louis?
I'd rather just sell the plans and nip off, georgie boy.
Well, all right, we shall buy the plans
If you will undertake
To disengage your troops in america.
Do what?
And I shall give you funt 10,000 for the plans.
funt10,000!
Right, all right.
We'll disengage the, um...
You know, what you said.
We'll disengage 'em.
I'll tell you what, hen.
I'll put a duke onto it, okay?
Right.
That's the worst thing you can do to anybody.
You asked for it, sonny.
You could have broke my bloody nose.
I'll break your...
North! please!
You saw it.
It was right on the bone.
North, will you send for the duke of portland?
We have a financial matter to discuss.
Well, it really hurt.
No, look here, I think it's better
If you give the money to us
You know, we're going back.
We've got a bag.
No, don't worry, louis.
We shall talk to your monsieur necker.
Well, actually, we'd rather you didn't, you know.
We've been having a wee bit of trouble with him recently
You know what I mean?
Monsieur necker?
The man who introduced so many valuable reforms
And proved so popular
Despite his opposition
To mirabeau's policy of issuing "assignats"?
Aye, yeah.
But the trouble is, he's been drinking a bit recently.
You know, 14 lagers wi' his breakfast
That sort of thing.
Well, very well, louis.
Just a moment!
Oh, christ!
What are you doing?
I am joseph montgolfier
The inventor of the fire balloon.
The man before you
Is an impostor.
Oh, no, I am not, honestly.
No, no, no, not you, your majesty.
This man.
This louis the so-called king of france man.
What number did he give you this time?
Louis xxiii?
I got it right.
Yeah, I bet you took a few guesses.
Listen, you spotty sassenach pillock.
Your majesty, the ronettes are here.
And mr. bartlett.
George iii
Oh, yeah!
George iii
George iii...
Oh, dear, I'm not supposed to go mad until 1800.
George iii
George iii...
Joseph has been gone for six months now.
We have heard nothing.
He can look after himself.
Oh, but he had only on a towel, you know.
Antoinette
From now on, there is only one montgolfier brother.
But louis xiv has the plans.
Oh, you must wait until joseph returns.
The plans are here, cherie.
Let me put my tongue in your mouth.
What do you mean?
Well, we're supposed to be french, aren't we?
No, no, no.
I mean, what are the plans
Which joseph after is chasing?
Please, let me put it in a little way.
Oh, jacques, ze plans!
I take it out if you don't like it.
Are you sure
The claret was on the left of the sideboard, sir?
Yes, o'toole, it's always been there.
Well, I'll look for one more month, sir.
Please let me put it...
By the way, sir, mr. bartlett has gone, sir.
He said he couldn't wait any longer.
Thank you, o'toole.
Not at all, sir, I've enjoyed being in it.
Right.
Thank you, sir... mam'selle.
By the way, sir
Mr. bartlett has gone, sir.
He said he couldn't wait any longer, sir.
Thank you, o'toole.
Not at all, sir.
I've enjoyed being in it.
Right.
Thank you, sir... mam'selle.
More! more! more!
"george iii" was arranged and composed by neil innes.
He is available from the bbc
Price four pounds or eight months' imprisonment.
That was episode three of the golden age of ballooning.
May I remind you that there's still time
To get your golden age of ballooning suppositories
Direct from the bbc, price 4.50 or 19 for a set of six.
Well, in a moment, the bbc will be closing down for the night.
But first, here is a party political broadcast
On behalf of the norwegian party.
Highlights of that broadcast will be discussed later
By lord george-brown, ex-foreign secretary;
Mr. sven olafson, the ex- norwegian minister of finance;
Sir charles ollendorff
Ex-chairman of the norwegian trades council;
Mr. hamish mclavell, the mayor of wick
The nearest large town to norway;
Mrs. betty norday
Whose name sounds remarkably like "norway";
Mr. brian waynor, whose name is an anagram of "norway";
Mr. and mrs. ford, whose name sounds like "fjord"
Of which there are a lot in norway;
Ron and christine boslo...
Ferdinand von zeppelin was born in constance in 1838
The brother of barry zeppelin
The least talented of the 14 zeppelin brothers.
Meanwhile, for ferdinand von zeppelin
The year 1908 was a year of triumph.
Herr zeppelin, it's vonderful!
It's put ballooning right back on ze map.
It's not a balloon, do you hear?!
It's not a balloon, it's an airship!
An airship, do you hear?
Well, it's very nice, anyway.
Tell me, what is
The principle of these balloons?
It's not a balloon
You stupid, thick-headed saxon git!
It's not a balloon!
Balloons is for kiddy-winkies.
If you want to play with balloons, get outside.
"yorkshire pudding...
A type of thick pancake, eaten with large..."
I hear you are to name the balloon after bismarck.
"bismarck"? of course I'm not calling it after bismarck.
It's a "zeppelin."
It's nothing to do with bloody bismarck!
Surely he gave you some money for it?
Get outside!
"za... bag... lione...
A sort of cream mouse... mousse of italian origin."
Ferdinand, that was a minister of state
You just threw out of the balloon.
It's not a balloon!
It's an airship!
All right, I'm sorry.
All right, go and have a look.
No, I'm fine here, thank you.
"zucchini... italian marrows..."
"zingara... a garnish of finely chopped
Or shredded lean ham..."
"tongue..."
"mushrooms and truffles."
"zakuski, a russian hors d'oeuvre, served..."
"with tiny pieces of sliced..."
Oh, look, it's the chancellor!
What? prince von bulow? here?
Ja!
Coming here?
No, he is here.
Oh, I must go and put my old uniform on.
He won't notice, helmut.
He's dead.
Dead?
Here?
Ja, in our sitting room.
This is our sitting room, dear.
Ja, well, you know what I mean.
The drawing room.
Ja, well, it's a kind of sitting room.
Well...
Look!
Which one is von bulow?
Here, look!
Oh, ja!
Oh, und admiral tirpitz!
Oh, ja, ja!
And von muller and herr reichner...
Oh, ja!
And hollweg and von graunberg...
That is not graunberg.
Das ist graunberg.
Das ist moltke.
Oh, ja!
He's a lot older than I thought.
He's a clever man, ja.
And zimmermann... and... and kimpte.
Oh, kimpte, ja.
What shall we do, helmut?
We must ring the government.
This is the government, helmut.
Oh, dear!
It is a great honor to have so many members of the government
Dead in our sitting room.
Drawing room.
Ja, well...
No members of the government are dead in our sitting room.
Ja, you know what I mean.
Well...
Perhaps I should make
A little speech, or something.
No, not a speech, helmut, no.
Shall we make them a cup of tea?
It would be a waste of tea.
But we must do something.
So many important people in our drawing room--
We must do something!
We could sort them out.
And make a little list.
Ja, ja, ja.
Good, we could put the ministers for internal affairs
Over against the wall
And for those for internal, here by the clock.
And we can sort them out alphabetically?
Nein, nein, nein.
We just put the cleanest by the door.
Here we are.
No, no, no, that is... that's von bulow.
He must go over here.
But that is my reading chair.
He is the reich chancellor of germany, helmut.
All right, all right
But I think he would have been better
Up against the clock, you know.
No, he would not look nice under the clock.
I did not say under the clock
I said against the clock.
Well, then we could not see the clock!
We put the minister for the colonies under the clock.
He's small.
No, the colonies are internal affairs.
He must go against the wall!
Education.
Ah!
Soon we'll be able to make a list.
Oh, ja, ja.
Wait a minute.
Who's that by the cat litter?
I don't know!
I've never seen him before!
He is not a member of the government.
Get him out of here.
Put him in the drawing room.
He's in the drawing room, my dear.
Ja, well, you know what I mean.
Put him in the sitting room.
You can put him in the sitting room
If he's in the drawing room.
Count ferdinand von zeppelin's behavior
On that flight in 1900
Had incredible, far-reaching consequences
For one of the fallen ministers--
The talented herr von maintlitz
Architect of the new german expansionist farm policy--
Fell on top of an old lady in nimwegen, killing her outright.
Her daughter, alice, suffered severe cerebral damage
From the talented minister's heavy briefcase
But was nursed back to life by an english doctor, henderson.
Eventually, they married
And their eldest son, george henderson
Was the father of mike henderson
Producer and director
Ofthe golden age of ballooning.
...mr. and mrs. rita trondheim; reginald bo-sankway
Who would be next to norway in a rhyming dictionary
If it included proper names
And if he pronounced his name like that.
Yes, this looks the sort of thing.
May I just try it?
Certainly, madam.
Oh, sorry, so sorry!
Yes, that's fine.
Is that on account, madam?
Yes.
Hello?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
Oh, I see, yes.
I'm sorry, sir.
Can I help you?
Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, you can, actually.
I was interested in the possibility of pur...
Can I ask you who you thought I was?
What?
Who did you think I was
Just then, when you thought I was somebody?
Oh, it's no one you'd know, sir.
Well, I might know them.
It's possible, obviously
But I think it's really unlikely.
I mean, he's hardly likely to move in your circles, sir.
Why, is he very rich?
Oh, no, I didn't mean that, sir.
Is he a lord or something?
Not at all.
What is his name?
What?
What is his name?
Well, uh...
Yes?
Michael ellis.
Who?
Michael ellis.
I see.
Do you know him, sir?
Uh, michael ellis.
Michael ellis.
You don't?
Well, I don't remember the name.
I think you would remember him, sir.
Why do you say that?
Well, would you remember
A man six foot nine inches high
40-ish, and he's got a scar from here to here
And absolutely no nose?
Oh, I think I do remember somebody like that.
Well, that's not michael ellis.
Right...
He's a small man about this high
With a high- pitched voice.
Right, I'm not going to buy an ant from you now.
Oh, no, please.
You've not been properly trained.
Come on, please.
I want another assistant.
All right, I'll get another assistant.
Thank you.
Hello, sir.
Can I help you?
No, I want a different assistant.
I am, sir-- I'm mr. abanazar, sir.
Don't be silly.
Oh, no, please, please let me help you.
No! I want another assistant.
Oh, no, come on, please.
If you don't...
I'll be very good, sir, really.
Good morning, sir.
How are you, sir?
Bit parky outside today, isn't it, sir?
A very nice suit you've got there, sir.
Right, I'm going.
No, no, please.
I'll get you another assistant.
All right.
It's not him.
I don't want him.
Oh, please, give him a chance.
No!
Yes, sir, can I be of any assistance?
Oh, come on, don't try that.
Try what, sir?
You know
Perfectly well.
You were down behind there with a silly mask on
Going
I don't think I was, sir.
Get the manager.
There seems to have been a misunderstanding, sir.
Manager!
This is the manager, sir.
What?
Yes, I'm the manager.
Smashing store, this.
I can't recommend it too highly.
Well lit, rat-free, it's a joy to manage.
Oh, yes, freshest haddock in london, second floor
Third floor ribena, ants here
Behind there our dinner wagon exhibition.
Manager!
Quick!
Yes, sir, can I help you, sir?
Yes, I want to complain about the assistants on this counter.
I'm sorry, sir-- which ones?
Well, they're hiding now.
Sir?
They're hiding, down there behind the counter.
I see, sir.
Well, there's nobody down here, sir.
They must have crawled through here
And made their escape through "soft toys."
Yes, of course.
They were wearing masks and making silly noises
And one of them pretended to be the manager.
He spoke like this:
Oh, yes, I'm the manager.
Smashing store to manage, this.
I think I've got it, sir.
I think I've got it-- it's rag week.
Rag week?
Yes, you know, for charity, sir.
Oh, I see, some local college or university?
No, no, it's the store's rag week.
The store's rag week?
Yes, the senior staff don't join in much.
It's for the trainees, really.
Not very good for business, is it?
Oh, it's for charity, sir.
People are awfully good about it, you know.
Oh, I see.
Right, sir, I'll get you a senior assistant.
Ants, was it?
Yes, please.
Mr. snetterton?
I don't want him!
Oh, please, give me a chance.
No!
All right, mr. hartford.
Yes, good morning, sir, can I help you?
Yes, please, I'm interested in buying an ant.
Ah, yes, and what price were you thinking of paying, sir?
Oh, well, I hadn't actually got as far as that.
Well, sir, they start about half a p
But they can go as high as three p
Or even 31/2p for a champion.
Inflation, I'm afraid.
Well, I should think one about 11/2p, please.
Ah, yes, well, you should get
A very serviceable little animal for that, sir.
Quite frankly, the half-p ones
Are a bit on the mangy side.
What length was sir thinking of?
Oh, medium?
Medium, medium, medium, medium...
Yes, here we are.
Now, that one there is an ayrshire
And that one there is a king george bitch, I think.
And that one killing the little flitbat is an afghan.
That's a nice one.
Let's see how you get on with him, eh?
Ah, yes, he likes you.
He's taken to you.
What do you feed them on?
Uh, blancmange.
Blancmange?
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
No, you don't feed them at all.
Well, what do they live on?
They don't-- they die.
They die?
Well, of course they do
If you don't feed them.
I don't understand.
You let them die, then you buy another one.
It's much cheaper than feeding them
And that way, you have a constant variety
Of little companions.
That's the advantage of owning an ant.
Right, well, I'll take this one.
Oh, dear, I've dropped it.
Never mind, here's another one.
Is there anything else I'll need?
Yes, sir, you'll need an ant house.
This is the model we recommend, sir.
Won't it get out of there?
Yes.
What's the point of having the cage?
Well, none at all, really.
And then some little pieces of cage furniture
Which will keep him entertained.
There's an ant wheel, and a little ant swing
And here's a very nice one here, a little ladder.
He can run up there and ring the bell.
That's a trick he can learn.
Will he live long enough?
Not really, no, but it's best to have one.
And here's a two-way radio he can play with
And then of course, you'll need the book.
The book?
Yes, yes, the book on ants.
I see.
So, sir, that is, if I may say so, funt184 11/2p, sir.
Will you take a check?
Yes, sir, if you don't mind leaving a blood sample
And a piece of skin off the back of the scalp just here, sir.
Sorry, just for identification.
Can't be too careful.
Well, I think I'll put it on account.
I should, sir.
Much less painful.
There we are.
Anyway, sir, you know what they say about an ant--
A friend for life, eh?
Well, a friend for its life, anyway.
Now, then, here we are.
His name is marcus.
Right, if the little chap should go
To an early grave, sir, give us a ring
And we'll stick a few in an envelope, all right?
Thanks very much indeed.
Not at all, thank you, mr. ellis.
What did you say?
"thank you, mr. ellis."
It's not him.
Why did you say "mr. ellis"?
Who?
No, he didn't say that.
I heard him say, "thank you, mr. ellis."
Ah, no, no.
He said, "I'm jealous."
What?
I'm jealous of your ant.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye!
I don't care who michael ellis is.
Papism will be stamped out
With the iron boot of punishment and enlightenment.
Excuse me, I was in the ant counter and...
Papism will be stamped out
With the iron boot of punishment and enlightenment.
...the lord himself who said
Stamp out the papist swine.
Will mr. michael ellis please go
straight to the manager's office.
I'll repeat that-- will mr. nigel mellish
please go straight to the manager's office.
What you got now?
I bought an ant, mother.
What do you want one of them for?
I'm not going to clean it out.
You said you'd clean the tiger out, but do you? no.
Suppose you've lost interest in it now.
Now it'll be ant-ant-ant for a couple of days
Then all of a sudden
"oh, mum, I've bought a sloth"
Or some other odd-toed ungulate like a tapir.
No, it's really different this time, mum.
I'm really going to look after this ant.
That's what you said about the sperm whale.
Now your papa's having to use it as a garage.
Well, you didn't feed it properly.
Where are we going to get
44 tons of plankton from every morning?
Your papa was dead vexed about that.
They thought he was mad in the deli.
Well, at least he's got a free garage.
That's no good to him.
His hillman smells all fishy.
Oh, blimey, that's the tiger.
He wants his mandies.
Are you giving that tiger drugs?
'course I'm giving it drugs.
It's illegal.
You try telling that to the tiger.
Well, I think it's dangerous.
Listen, before he started fixing
He used to get through four jehovah witnesses a day.
And he used to eat all of them, except the pamphlets.
Well, he's not dim.
All right!
I'm going to watch tv.
Come on, marcus.
Michael's been on the phone
All day for you.
Michael?
Yeah, you know, michael... michael!
Michael ellis.
Yeah, he's been on the phone all day.
He came round twice.
What does he look like?
Oh, I didn't see him.
The orange-rumped agouti answered the door.
Only useful animal you ever bought, that.
Where is he now?
He's upstairs forging prescriptions
For the sodding tiger.
No, no, where is michael ellis now?
Oh, I don't know.
He said it wasn't important, anyway.
All right, here I come.
Um...
Hello, and welcome
to the university of the air.
And first this afternoon
part 17 of our series
on animal communications.
This afternoon, we look at recent discoveries
in the field of intraspecific signaling codes
in the family formicidae.
Ooh, that's a stroke of luck, marcus.
Turn that bloody thing off!
We interrupt this program
to bring you the latest news
of the extraordinary michael ellis saga.
Apparently michael ellis...
Hey, I was watching that!
Bloody thing.
It's upsetting the tiger.
Oh, christ.
...nd of the announcement.
And now back to university of the air
And our series for advanced medical students
Elements of surgical homeopathic practice.
Part 68, "ants."
Ah! we're in luck again, marcus.
Hello, formicidophiles.
Well, before all the blood and guts you're waiting to see
let's have a look at the anatomy of the little ant.
The body of the ant is divided into three sections--
the head, the thorax and the abdomen.
They are enclosed in a hard armorlike covering
called the exoskeleton
which provides some protection from other nasty little insects
but, unfortunately, not from the dissector's scalpel.
See, nothing to it.
He's not such a toughie.
And his legs--
they help him carry hundreds of times his own weight
but look at this.
You're not so strong compared with me.
Four, five, six... ha!
I didn't know ants had six legs, marcus.
I assure you, they do, mr. ellis.
Hey, you've got two legs missing.
And that's a false feeler, marcus.
Blimey!
I'm taking this ant back, mother.
It's got two legs missing.
Mrs. mcwong's been on the phone.
The polar bear's been in her garden again.
Well, I'll get it on the way back from the store.
Well, mind you do.
His droppings are enormous.
Oh, and by the way, while you're out
Get us another couple of tellies, would you?
Here's 180 quid.
Second floor.
Stationery, leather goods, nasal injuries
Cricket bats, film stars, dolphinariums.
Third floor.
Cosmetics, books, irish massage
Tribal headgear, ants
But not complaints about ants.
Oh, where do I go to complain?
Straight on, then left, then right past the thing
Then up the little stairs
Then right past the bit where it's gone all soft
Then down the wobbly bit, left past the nail
Past the brown stain on the wall to your right
And it's the door marked "exit"
Straight ahead of you on the left.
Thank you.
Fourth floor.
Kiddies' vasectomies...
I don't want you.
Oh, something wrong with your little ant friend?
No, I'm not going to tell you.
Oh, something missing in the leg department?
No.
Yes, sir, can i help you, sir?
No, no, no, no, no.
It's all right, sir.
It's for the sack race later on, sir.
No, no, no, I want to speak to the general manager.
I want to complain.
Oh, you want the toupee hall, in that case, sir.
The what?
The toupee hall, mr. ellis.
Excuse me, could you tell me
The way to the toupee hall, please?
Sorry?
The toupee hall.
The what?!
The toupee hall.
Oh, the toupee hall.
Gladys, where are toupees now?
Toupees?
Mm, this gentleman wants one.
A toupee?
Mm.
Well, no, actually...
Oh, I think they're in surgical appliances now.
Oh, that's right.
Yes, you go left at artificial limbs and hearing aids
Right at dentures
And it's on your left just by glass eyes.
It doesn't say toupees to avoid embarrassing people
But you can smell them.
Thank you.
You can see the join.
Yes, you can.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
It's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon.
And I'd like to start off
By welcoming our guest speakers for this afternoon
Mr. wadsworth...
Wordsworth.
Sorry, wordsworth.
Mr. john koots
And percy bysshe.
Shelley.
Just a little one, medium dry.
And alfred lorde.
Tennyson.
Tennisball.
Son.
Sorry, alfred lord
Who is evidently lord tennisball's son.
And to start off
I'm going to ask mr. wadswroth to recite his latest offering
A little pram entitled "I wandered lonely as a crab"
And it's all about ants.
I wandered lonely as a cloud...
Oh!
That floats on high
O'er vales and hills
When all at once, I saw a crowd
A host of golden worker ants.
Thank you, thank you, mr. bradlaugh.
Now, mr. bysshe...
Shelley.
Oh!
Is going to read one of his latest psalms
Entitled "ode to a crab."
Well, it's not about crabs, actually.
It's called "ozymandias."
It's not an ode.
I met a traveler in an antique land
Who said "six vast and trunkless legs of stone
"stand in the desert.
"and on the pedestal, these words appear--
"'my name is ozymandias, king of ants.
"'look on my feelers, termites
"'and despair
"'i am the biggest ant you'll ever see.
"'the ants of old weren't half as bold
And big and fierce as me.'"
Thank you.
Thank you, mr. amontillado.
I'd like to ask one or two of you at the back
Not to soil the carpet.
There is a restroom upstairs if you find the poems too exciting.
Good afternoon.
Next, mr. dennis keat will recite his latest problem
"ode to a glass of sherry."
My heart aches
And a drowsy numbness pains my senses
As though an anteater I'd seen...
A nasty long-nosed brute...
With furry legs and sticky darting tongue.
I seem to feel its cruel jaws
Crunch! crunch! there go my legs
Snap! snap! my thorax, too.
My head's in a twain, there goes my brain
Swallow, swallow...
It's true, don't you see?
It's true.
It happens, it happens.
Please.
Ladies and gentlemen
I do apologize for that last...
Well, I hesitate to call it a pram.
But I had no idea.
And talking of filth
I have asked you once about the carpet.
Now, I do appreciate
That last poem was very frightening, but please...
Now, before we move on to tea and pramwiches
I would like to ask arthur lord tenniscourt
To give us his latest little plum
Entitled "the charge of the ant brigade."
Half an inch...
The queen, the queen.
My loyal subjects, we are here today
On a matter of national import.
My late husband and we are increasingly disturbed
By recent developments in literary style
Vich have taken place here in germany... er, england.
There seems to be an increasing tendency for ze ent...
The ent... the ant
To become the dominant...
Was is der deutsches entwicklungsbund...
Theme.
Theme of modern poetry here in germany.
We are not... amusiert?
Entertained.
From now on, ants is verboten.
Instead, it's skylarks, daffodils, nightingales
Light brigades and...
Was ist das shcreckliche gepong?
Es schmecke wie ein scheisshaus
Und so weiter.
Well, we must away now
Or we shall be late for the races.
God bless you, alles.
Electric kettles over here, sir.
Don't worry, sir.
You're amongst friends now, sir.
Mr. bradford, mr. crawley.
These are our fitters, sir.
We've had a lot of experience in this field
And we do pride ourselves
We offer the best and most discreet service available.
I don't know
Whether you believe this, sir
But one of us is actually wearing
A toupee at this moment.
Well, you all are, aren't you?
Have you got one?
No, I thought you...
I didn't know you two...
I thought it was me. I thought it was me.
So did i.
That is good.
Actually, I only came in here
To ask where the manager's office was.
Just a minute.
Someone told you we all had toupees?
No.
Oh, yeah?
How did you know?
Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?
What do you mean, obvious?
His is undetectable.
Well, it's a different color, for a start.
Is it?
Of course, it isn't.
It doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair.
It sort of sticks up in the middle.
Well, it's better than yours.
Yes.
I'm not wearing one.
Why did you come in here then?
They told me to find the manager's office here.
Oh, no, not again.
That's a bit lame, isn't it?
It's the truth.
Manager's office?
Where'd you get that, eh?
Mac fisheries?
Dreadful, isn't it?
Nylon?
It's not, it's real, look.
Yeah, anyone can do that.
Come on, get it off.
Look, do you want a proper one?
No, I don't need one.
There's no need to be ashamed.
Look, we've all owned up.
I'm not wearing one.
Don't you see, this is something
You've got to come to terms with.
I am not wearing a toupee.
They just told me to come in here
To find the manager's office to complain about my ant.
Complain about an ant?
Look, this is for your own good.
All right, take a seat.
You see, it ought to have a safety catch.
I mean...
Ooh!
I mean, what if this fell into the wrong hands?
Yes, madam, I'll speak
To the makers personally, all right?
Oh, would you?
It would put my mind at ease.
Sorry, oh, sorry.
Next.
He's still molesting her.
Yes, yes, I'll see you in a moment, sir.
I've got a complaint to make.
Ah, take a seat.
I'm sorry it's on fire.
Oh, not at all.
I got used to this out east.
Ah, where were you out east?
Oh, norway, sweden, places like that.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
My suit seems to be catching fire.
Extinguisher?
Oh, no, thank you.
I think we'd better let it run its course.
I was just thinking
Norway is not very east, is it?
No, I should have said, "when I was out north."
Yes, are there many fires in norway?
Oh, good lord, yes.
The place is a constant blaze.
Wooden buildings, you know.
Oh, yes.
I lost my wife in norway.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Why, did you know her?
No, no, I don't...
No, she wasn't a favorite of mine.
No, we were out strolling across a fjord one day
When one of the local matadors came out of his tree house
And flung a load of old scimitars and guillotines out
That he'd got cluttering up his wine cellar
And apparently, rather a large proportion of them
Landed on my wife
Causing her to snuff it without much more ado.
Yes, yes.
Well, look...
Here is an important announcement
about michael ellis.
It is now the end of "michael ellis" week.
From now on, it is "chris quinn" week.
What a rotten ending.
Well, it is one of our cheapest, sir.
What else have you got?
Well, there's the long, slow pullout, sir
You know, the camera tracks back and back and mixes...
No, no, no.
Have you got anything more exciting?
Well, how about a chase?
There he is!
Oh, no, no.
Walking into the sunset?
What's that one?
You know, two lone figures silhouetted
Against the dying rays of the setting sun.
The music swells
And you've got a lump in your throat
And a tear in your eye.
Oh, no.
Pity, I rather like that one.
No, they're all a bit off the point, you see.
Well, there is one
That ties up the whole michael ellis thing, but...
But what?
Oh, no, nothing, nothing.
Look, who is this michael ellis?
How about a happy ending, sir?
Chris, thank god you're safe.
No, you wouldn't want that, would you?
Why wouldn't I want that?
What about summing up from the panel?
That's cheap.
What?
You know, the big match experts.
Yes, that was quite a good show, you know.
I think that the michael ellis character
Was a little overdone.
Well, I don't agree with that, malcolm.
Quite frankly, the only bit I liked was
This bit with me in it now.
No? slow fade?
Nnn... no.
Well, how about a sudden ending?
Taking life as it comes-- sharing the good things...
And the bad things.
Finding laughter and fun wherever they go.
It's with these two happy-go-lucky rogues
That our story begins.
For it is they who were run over by alex diamond--
International crime fighter and playboy...
Fast-moving, tough-talking
And just one of the many hundreds of famous people
Who suffer from... lumbago
The endemic disease about which no one knows more
Than this man, dr. emile koning--
Doctor, surgeon, proctologist
And selfless fighter against human suffering
Whose doorbell was the one above the hero of our story tonight--
Rear admiral humphrey de vere.
Yes, this is the story of rear admiral humphrey de vere...
Or rather, the story of his daughter
For it was her courage, foresight and understanding
That enabled us to probe beneath the sophisticated veneer
Of the royal arsenal women's college, bagshot
And learn the true history of this man...
Len hanky--
Chiropodist, voyeur, hen-teaser
The man of whom the chairman of fiat once said...
Che cosa e lo stucciacatori di polli?
Si.
Yes, tonight we examine the career of gino agnelli
The man who started from nothing
To build up one of the greatest firms in europe
And whose telescope was bought from the shop part-owned
By a man who, at the age of eight, stole a penknife
From the son of this man's brother's housekeeper's dental hygienist's uncle--
The reverend charlie "drooper" hyper-squawk smith
The cleft-palated r.a.f. chaplain
Who, single-handed, shot down over 500 german chaplains.
This is the story of the men who flew with him.
It really is.
Morning, squadron leader.
What-ho, squiffy.
How was it?
Top hole.
Bally jerry pranged his kite
Right in the how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied, feathered back on his sammy
Took a waspy
Flipped over on his betty harper's
And caught his can in the bertie.
Er... afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader.
It's perfectly ordinary banter, squiffy.
Bally jerry pranged his kite
Right in the how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied, feathered back on his sammy
Took a waspy, flipped over on his betty harper's
And caught his can in the bertie.
No, I'm just not understanding banter at all well today.
Give us it slower.
Banter's not the same if you say it slower, squiffy.
Hold on, then.
Wingco!
Yes?
Bend an ear
To the squadron leader's banter.
Can do.
Jolly good.
Fire away.
Bally jerry... pranged his kite...
Right in the how's-your-father.
Hairy blighter dicky-birdied...
Feathered back on his sammy...
Took a waspy, flipped over on his betty harper's
And caught his can...
In the bertie.
No, I don't understand that banter at all.
Is something up with my banter, chaps?
Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir!
Grab your egg and fours
And let's get the bacon delivered.
Do you understand that?
No, I didn't get a word of it.
Sorry, old man.
We don't understand your banter.
You know... bally ten-penny ones
Dropping in the custard!
Um...
Charlie choppers chucking a handful.
No, no, sorry.
Say it a bit slower, old chap.
Slower banter, sir?
Ra-ther!
Um...
Sausage squad up the blue end!
No, still don't get it.
Um... cabbage crates coming over the briny?
No, no, no.
But by then it was too late.
The first cabbage crates hit london on july 7.
That was just the beginning.
Five shillings a dozen?
That's ordinary cabbages, is it?
And what about the bombs?
Good lord, they are expensive!
Sir!
Yes, what is it?
News from the western front, sir!
Yes?
Big enemy attack at dawn, sir.
Yes?
Well...
The enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir.
And they had fairy wands with big stars on the end
And... and...
And what?
And they had spiders
In matchboxes, sir.
Good god!
How did our chaps react?
Well, they were jolly interested, sir.
Some of them-- I think it was
The fourth armored brigade, sir--
They... they...
Yes?
Well, they went and had a look
At the spiders, sir.
Oh, my god.
Well, thank you, shirley.
Sir!
Get me the prime minister.
Sir!
Not that quickly!
Sir!
Gentlemen, it's now quite apparent
That the enemy are not only fighting this war on the cheap
But they're also not taking it seriously.
Bastards!
First they drop cabbages instead of decent bombs...
Crates were probably quite expensive, sir.
Quiet, critic!
And now they're doing very silly things
In one of the most vital areas of the war.
What are we going to do, shirley?
Well, we've got to act fast before it saps morale.
We're going to show these chinese...
Germans.
These germans.
We're going to show them
That no british soldier will descend to their level.
Anyone found trivializing this war
Will face the supreme penalty that military law can provide.
That was all right, I think.
Seemed to go quite well.
Sapper walters, you stand before this court
Accused of carrying on the war by other than warlike means--
To wit, that you did on april 16, 1942
Dressed up as a bag of dainties
Flick wet towels at the enemy during an important offensive.
Well, sir.
Shut up!
Colonel fawcett
For the prosecution.
Sir, we all know...
Shut up.
I'm sorry?
Carry on.
Sir, we all know the facts of the case--
That sapper walters
Being in possession of expensive military equipment--
To wit, one lee enfield .303 rifle
And 72 rounds of ammunition
Valued at funt140, three shillings and sixpence--
Chose instead to use wet towels
To take an enemy command post in the area of basingstoke.
Basingstoke?
Basingstoke in hampshire?
No, no, no, sir, no.
Oh, I see-- carry on.
The result of his action
Was that the enemy received...
Basingstoke where?
Basingstoke in westphalia, sir.
Oh, I see-- carry on.
The result of sapper walters's action
Was that the enemy received wet patches upon their trousers
And in some cases
Small red strawberry marks upon their thighs.
I didn't know there was a basingstoke in westphalia.
It's on the map, sir.
What map?
The map of westphalia as used by the army, sir.
Well, I've certainly never heard of basingstoke in westphalia.
It's a municipal borough, sir
27 miles north-northeast of southampton.
Its chief manufactures...
Southampton in westphalia?
Yes, sir.
Bricks, clothing.
Nearby are the remains of basing house
Burned down by cromwell's cavalry in 1645...
And who... who compiled this map?
Cole porter, sir.
Cole porter--
Who wrote kiss me, kate?
No, alas not, sir.
This was the cole porter who wrote "anything goes," sir.
I shall seek to prove...
It's the same one!
In olden days
A glimpse of stocking...
I beg your pardon, sir?
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now heaven knows anything goes.
No, this one's, uh... different, sir.
How does it go?
What, sir?
How does your "anything goes" go?
Can I go home now?
Shut up!
Come on.
Sir, really, I think this is...
Come on, how does your "anything goes" go?
Anything goes in
Anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout.
Anything goes in...
No, that's not it-- carry on.
With respect, sir, I shall seek to prove
That the man before you in the dock
Being in possession of the following:
One pair of army boots, value funt3, seven and six;
One pair of serge trousers, value funt2, three and six;
One pair of gaiters, value funt68, ten shillings...
funt68, ten shillings for a pair of gaiters?!
They were special gaiters, sir.
Special gaiters?
Yes, sir, they were made in france, sir.
One beret costing 14 shillings...
What was special about them?
They were made of a special fabric, sir.
The buckles were made of empire silver instead of brass.
The total value of the uniform was...
Why was the accused wearing special gaiters?
They were a presentation pair, sir, from the regiment.
The total value of the uniform, therefore...
Why did they present him with a special pair of gaiters?
Sir... it seems to me totally irrelevant to the case
Whether the gaiters were presented to him or not, sir.
I think the court will be able to judge that for themselves.
I want to know why the regiment presented the accused
With a special pair of gaiters.
He used to do things for them, sir.
The total value...
What things?
He used to oblige them, sir.
Oblige them?
Yes, sir.
The total value of the uniform...
How did he oblige them?
What, sir?
How did he oblige them?
He, um...
He used to make them happy in little ways, sir.
The total value...
Did he touch them at all?
Sir!
I submit that this is totally irrelevant.
I want to know how he made them happy.
He used to ram things up their...!
All right, all right, all right.
You don't need to spell it out.
What has the accused got to say?
What... me?
Yes, yes, what have you got to say?
Well, what can I say, sir?
I mean, how can I encapsulate in mere words
My scorn for any military solution...
The futility of modern warfare
And the hypocrisy by which contemporary government applies
One standard to violence within the community
And another to violence perpetrated
By one community upon another?
Sorry, but my client has become pretentious.
I will say in his defense, though...
Sir, we haven't finished the prosecution!
Shut up!
I'm in charge of this court.
Stand up!
Sit down!
Go moo!
See?
Right, now, on with the pixie hats
And order in the skating vicar!
And...
Anything goes in, anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout
Anything goes in, anything goes out
Fish, bananas, old pajamas
Mutton, beef and trout.
Coming to this cinema soon...
The tender, compassionate story
Of one man's love for another man in drag.
Thrill to the excitement of a night emission over germany
When the pilot, jennifer, has to choose
Between his secret love for louis
The hot-bloodedly bisexual navigator
And andy, the rear gunner
Who, though quite assertive with girls
Tends to take the submissive role
In his relationships with men.
And sensational mexican starlet rosetta nixon
Plays the head of bomber command
Whose passion for sea birds ends in tragedy.
With ginger, as the half-man, half-woman parrot
Whose unnatural instincts
Brought forbidden love to the aviary.
And roger as pip, the half- parrot, half-man, half-woman
Three-quarter badger, ex-bigamist negro preacher
For whom banjo-playing was very difficult.
And he never mastered it
Although he took several courses and went to banjo college, uh...
And everything.
Don't miss it!
Coming to your cinema soon.
Only five minutes from this restaurant.
But now...
It's...
Bloody repeats!
Yes, repeats or war films.
It really makes you want to micturate.
People on television treat
The general public like idiots.
Well, we are idiots.
Oh, no we are not!
Well, I am.
How do you know you're an idiot?
Oh, I can show you.
How?
Look.
Ooh!
Ooh, wee! ooh, wee!
You see, the public are idiots.
You might as well just show them the last five miles of the m2.
They'd watch it, eh?
At last, they done been put on
Something interesting.
Oh, most interesting.
Our figures show conclusively
That these motorways are extremely popular.
I mean, last time we showed a repeat
Of the leicester bypasss
Our ratings gave us 97,300,912 and itv nought.
So I do feel that we ought to give "b" roads their own series.
I'm sorry, we just can't give you a bigger budget.
Budgie?
No, he's left.
Oh, oh. why not?
We're only one slice of the cake, you know.
Wouldn't mind a slice of cake
Nice chocolate cake-- delicious.
I had a budgie once, you know.
Lovely little budgie, amusing little chap.
He used to stick his head in a bell.
What was his name, now?
Joey, uh...
Kennedy?
Xerxes?
We could repeat them.
Reheat them?
No, repeat them.
You don't reheat cakes--
Not chocolate cakes.
What, repeat the cakes?
Mr. heath!
What!
That was the name of the budgie.
Good lord, the bar's open.
Oh! oh! oh!
Great off!
Oh, no. no it isn't.
I was looking at the little hand
That goes round awfully fast.
Blast! blast!
I've got it.
We can retitle the repeats.
What?
Give them different names?
Wouldn't that mean retitling them?
Brilliant!
Oh, right.
All we need is new titles
And they must be damned new.
How about dad's navy?
Hmm, good, good.
Up your mother next door.
Even better.
Doctor at bee!
What? what?
Someone's knocking at the door.
Quite like it.
Bit long, though, I think.
Far too long.
I married lucy.
Oh, hasn't that been done?
Oh, yes, a long time ago.
But they'd never remember it.
Doctor at three.
I think someone's
Knocking at the door.
Well, that's even longer.
I married a tree.
And mother makes tree.
Doctor at cake.
Look, I'm not absolutely certain
But, well, I do rather get the impression
That there is someone actually knocking
At the door at this very moment.
That's ridiculous-- half the program gone.
Stop lengthening it!
I married a cake.
I married three rabbit jelly molds.
Prefer "cake," especially chocky cake.
Open the sodding door!
No, no. you can't say "sodding" on television.
No, no.
You're supposed to knock.
Sorry, sir, but there's trouble at studio five.
You're in security, aren't you?
Yes, sir.
Well, you're not allowed
To suggest program titles.
Sir, it's the world war series
In studio five.
They're not taking it seriously anymore.
You're not allowed
To suggest program titles!
Look!
Ow! mind me war wound!
That's it! that's the one!
Very good title!
Very good! great.
Mind me war wound. brilliant.
Fish, bananas, old pajamas, mutton...
God! bloody world war ii series!
I hate them!
Oh, oh, it's a shame, mater-- damned predictable.
Just like bloody...
Day after day after day after day!
Ugh!
Oh, evening star
If only we could have a decent day tomorrow.
Oh! this weather's so wretched and awful and filthy and...
What? what's going on?
What the hell is going...?
Now I can't even sleep!
What... what are they doing?
Huh? what was that?
What was it?
What... what's going on?
Oh... oh, I can't stand it!
All right! that does it! that does it!
I'm going to get out...
What a lovely day!
Oh, I think I'm going to go...
I say.
Yes, daddy?
Croquet hoops look damn pretty
This afternoon.
Frightfully damn pretty.
They're coming along
Awfully well this year.
Yes, better than
Your aunt lavinia's croquet hoops.
Oh, dreadful tin things.
I did tell her to stick to wood.
Yes, you can't beat wood.
Gorn...
What's gorn, dear?
Nothing, nothing.
No, I just like the word.
It gives me confidence.
Gorn...
Gorn-- it's got a sort of woody quality about it.
Gorn...
Much better than newspaper or litter bin.
Frightful words.
Perfectly dreadful.
Newspaper... litter bin.
Dreadful tinny sort of words.
Tin, tin, tin.
Oh, dear...
Don't say "tin" to rebecca.
You know how it upsets her.
Oh, sorry, old horse.
Sausage.
Sausage!
There's a good woody sort of word, sausage.
Gorn...
Antelope!
Where? on the lawn?
No, no, daddy-- just the word.
Don't want an antelope nibbling the hoops.
No, no, an-tel-ope.
Sort of nice and woody type of thing.
Don't think so, becky, old chap.
No, no.
Antelope, antelope.
Tinny sort of word.
Oh! sorry, old man.
Really, mansfield.
Well, she's got to come to terms
With these things.
Seemly.
Prodding.
Vacuum.
Leap.
Oh! hate leap.
Perfectly dreadful.
Sort of p.v.c. sort of word, don't you know?
Lower-middle.
Bound.
Now you're talking.
Bound.
Vole.
Recidivist.
Bit tinny.
Oh, sorry, becky old beast.
Oh, dear, I suppose
She'll be gorn for a few days now.
Caribou!
Splendid word!
No, dear-- nibbling the hoops.
Oh!
Caribou gorn.
Intercourse.
Later, dear.
No, no.
The word "intercourse," good and woody.
Intercourse...
Pert... pert thighs.
Body, body, body.
Erogenous zone...
Oh, concubine!
Erogenous zone...
Loose woman.
Erogenous zone...
Oh!
Oh, thank you, dear.
You know, it's a funny thing, dear.
All the naughty words sound woody.
Really, dear?
How about "tit"?
Oh, dear.
I hadn't thought about that.
Tit, tit.
Oh, that's very tinny, isn't it?
Tit, tit.
Ugh! tinny, tinny.
Oh, dear.
Ocelot.
Wasp.
Yowling.
Oh, dear, I'm bored.
I'd better go and have a bath, I suppose.
Oh, really, must you dear?
You've had nine today.
All right, I'll sack one of the servants.
Simkins!
Nasty tinny sort of name.
Simkins!
I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny.
Sorry, dear, don't understand.
Uh, cow catchers creeping up
On the conning towers.
No, sorry, old sport.
Um... caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops.
Yes, mansfield shot one in the antlers.
Oh, jolly good show.
Is, uh, is becca about?
No, she's gorn off.
What a super woody sort of phrase, "gorn off."
Yes, she's gorn off
Because mansfield said "tin" to her.
Oh, what rotten luck.
Oh, well, whole afternoon to kill.
Better have a bath, I suppose.
Oh, gervaise, do sing me a song.
Oh, okay.
Something woody.
For...
She's going to marry yum-yum!
Oh, crikey!
The old song's finished her off.
What's urp?
Oh, I'm afraid mrs. vermin jones
Appears to have passed orn.
Dead, is she?
Afraid so.
What a blow for her.
What I want to know
Mrs. elizabeth iii
Is why they show us crap like this
When there's bits of the leicester bypass
That have never been shown.
Biskwit?
Oh! thank you.
Appearing on the m2 were...
Bloody repeats!
Yes, repeats or war films
Makes you want to micturate.
Hello and welcome to show jumping...
Oh, moto-cross!
Oh, good.
Just about to go into a jump-off against the clock.
The slight pause is for the stewards
Who are repairing the sound of music.
Captain phillips on 'strewth just caught one of the nuns
At the very start of what would have been a fine clear round.
It's a formidable obstacle, this sound of music--
Eight nuns high-- but they're ready now and singing.
The hills are alive...
And there's the bell.
She's got 1:07 seconds to beat
But she needs a clear round to win.
As she comes towards the sound of music...
Quite exciting.
Hmm.
Beautifully taken.
And now she needs to pick up speed
For oklahoma, but not too much.
This is where alan jones knocked down poor judd...
You notice how
We never actually see the horses jump?
She's taken it superbly, superb show jumping.
And she's coming up to the black and white minstrel show.
Watch this.
Face the music and then...
She's taken it!
She's over the minstrels.
She just flicked leslie crowther with her tail
But the time's good.
And now she turns before coming into the final jump.
This is a tough one.
It's ben hur-- 46 chariots, 6,000 spectators, 400 slaves
Lion-handlers...
I bet we don't see this one.
No.
We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash.
The second world war has now entered a sentimental stage.
This morning on the ardennes front
The germans started spooning at dawn
But the british fifth army responded
By gazing deep into their eyes
And the germans are now reported to have gone all coy.
When does a dream begin?
Does it start with a goodnight kiss?
Is it conceived or simply achieved?
When does a dream begin?
Is it born in a moment of bliss?
Or is it begun
When two hearts are one?
When does a dream exist?
The vision of you appears somehow
Impossible to resist
But I'm not imagining seeing you
For who could have dreamed of this?
When does a dream begin?
When reality is dismissed?
Or does it commence
When we lose all pretense?
When does a dream begin?